Many little girls dream of being a princess. They dress up with a tiara in their hair on prom night, design their wedding dress to emulate Grace Kelly, and set their alarms for 4 a.m. on a workday to not miss a single second of Royal Wedding television coverage. As democratic Americans, we have to live vicariously through the lives of monarchs in other countries, but luckily we have Disney movies to condition little girls to believe that Princess is the ultimate title to strive for, rather than Chief Executive Officer or President of the United States of America. When commoners like Diana and Kate Middleton ascend to noble status, our hopes are kept alive that one day Prince Charming will actually appear on a white horse (or in a Rolls Royce) and carry us off into the sunset.
Like so many things with glamorous mystique, closer inspection of the history of the Royal Family reveals that the closets in Buckingham Palace are actually filled to the brim with centuries old skeletons, and years of tradition have placed rigid expectations on anyone granted a regal title, that extend well beyond perfect curtsies and daintily sipping (not slurping!) tea with pinkie finger extended and saucer in hand. In the midst of the hoopla surrounding the recent nuptials of Catherine Middleton to His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts, enough information has surfaced to confirm that besides the ridiculously long name on your marriage certificate, marrying a blue blod would royally suck in many ways.
First, you have to contend with all the creepy uncles and aunts you’re gaining from his half of the family tree. Like Uncle Richard III who imprisoned his nephews Edward V and Richard, Duke of York in the Tower of London in the summer of 1483, and subsequently had them murdered, or possibly left to die in the Tower to avoid any competition for the throne. Or Aunt Elizabeth I who suffered baldness and terrible scars all over her face due to smallpox, and insisted on wearing bright white cake makeup and garish wigs at all times, even in her sleep. As a new princess you must also be wary of incest, adultery, closet homosexuality, alcoholism, gambling addictions, and spies among your in laws. Congratulations!
If that isn’t enough to deter you, the royal treatment also includes rules about basically everything that is fun and awesome. For example, you will no longer be allowed to have questionable friends on Facebook. Picture links that include anyone smoking pot, defacing public property, or dancing in various stages of undress will be severely frowned upon. Commence the de-friending! Additionally, you yourself are no longer allowed to get rip roaring drunk in public, use profanity, or blink in photographs. As a Princess, anywhere you go including the doctors office or to the loo, is now considered PUBLIC. Expect paparazzi at every turn, also expect that you are never allowed to get a zit or have a bad hair day for the rest of your life. No pressure! In addition to acting and looking perfect at all times, as a Princess you are no longer allowed to work, and your only access to money is in the form of an allowance. Good luck squeezing enough dough out of Grandma for those Kanye West tickets you’ve been wanting (Grandma is definitely afraid of black people, especially those outside colonial borders). Also, kiss your kinky sex life goodbye. The only reason a Princess is allowed to have sex is to make babies, and babies are no fun at all.
Cheers!
Not a fan, eh? Nice researchy little poison-pen billet-doux--I can hear your 'About me' here, your attitude toward the gilded cage.
ReplyDeleteThis is the joky flipside to your superficial.com piece--again railing against celebrity culture--, but where that piece came off as standard preachy fare, this is funny, angry, sardonic, mordant, completely accessible.
Be of good cheer--people who always hit the mark never go beyond it, never find themselves doing more than they thought they could, whereas people whose work is uneven are going to have much higher highs than the slow and steady types.